I was in the shower, struggling to allow the water to wash away my pain, my sadness and my loneliness. Today I have given up. After a series of events leading up to this day, I have realized that I cannot get a grip on myself. How much longer must I go on carrying this burden? I bear a cross of guilt and shame that has no destination. On my it forever remains.
There are only a few people in the world who have experienced depression as deep as I have, of this I am sure. All those artists and musicians that lead tragic lives and died tragically. All those lost souls who vanished into obscurity, feeling so deeply that they were meant for something great - but life showed them otherwise. I don't know where among those I fit. Somewhere down the middle I suppose. I have been through this feeling so many times in my life, yet it never gets easier to deal with. When the depression sets in, I feel I lose a piece of myself ever single time. How much longer do I have before every shred of my soul has been lost to the abyss and I am left only as a shell of something that once was strong and beautiful.
As I stood under the rushing water, I scrubbed and scrubbed and washed away all that I could. But I couldn't get past that first layer that seems to be impossible to pass through without the help of a sharp edge. I have seen my blood enough times in my life - more than should be necessary. My heart felt gravity pull against the sinking feeling that grew within it. The ambient white noise of the water droplets against the tub drowned out most of the world outside of that small patch of space. All that made it through was the beautiful, somber and sad music pouring from my speakers. It was the only connection my soul was able to make of the outside world. I felt my strength leave me, not my physical strength, but the strength that comes from the emotional self that is held up by the foundation made up of my mind. Suddenly, all at once I felt it run out of my body as if it withdrew from each pore, every orifice, every crease to join the water falling from my body down to the drain below. If it weren't for the minute physical strength that I still had, I would have fallen to the floor of the tub and never gotten back up. All that I could do was lean my body against the wall. Close my eyes. Press my palms against the wall and caress it. I felt I was no longer against only a wall, but the world itself. As if I could look right through that wall like a window and see all that I wish could be mine but wasn't. At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of abandonment, intense loneliness that should never be felt.
If only I had someone there with me, who could understand. Someone I could hold, to whisper in my ear so I knew they were really there. A warm body I could envelop and intertwine with, our naked bodies and pale skin flush against one another as the water ran over us, washing away all pain, all sadness and all the loneliness either of us had ever felt in our lives and would never feel again. If only...
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