How to Disappear Completely...

dis·ap·pear 

[dis-uh-peer]

verb (used without object)

1.

to cease to be seen; vanish from sight.

2.

to cease to exist or be known; pass away; end gradually: One by one the symptoms disappeared.

3.

(of a person) to vanish under suspicious circumstances: The dictator's outspoken opponent disappeared that evening, shortly after midnight.

Red glow aura coasts a permanent glow against my walls, those portions not concealed by stilled silhouettes, striking images and half familiar faces. There is another glow nearer to me, an undeniable glow emanating from a box atop a table. The box contains a window that does not reveal what is inside the box. Instead, light is projected through this window, translated into it's own images that move in repetitions. This causes the shadows cast throughout my space to dance effervescently back and forth, not really going anywhere. This room is strange and different, unfamiliar in a way. Although I have striven to leave my mark, to convey what is inside me to the walls outside of me. These walls that surround me, they seem so tight. Some nights I swear they move closer inwards, a millimeter at a time. Despite this perception, simultaneously, this space seems extend infinitely in it's loneliness. No matter how I try to fill it, no matter what the wallpaper, no matter where I may  place this object here or move that object away from there - it still feels so empty. I have spent many moments such as this, many sleepless nights awake here, the days wash together and yet I still feel the stranger. This is not a cage, there is a door, it's locked from the inside. This isn't a hole, for there are many windows to the outside world. My presence is by choice. I choose to be here, to remain here, to live my life in this place. It is because this is where I belong, and I belong here because this is where life has led me. I have many things to pass the time, to occupy my mind, to make this place mine. I have words to speak. There is air to breath. I am free to think and do as I please. I may come and go as I may. Yet something seems to be missing as if there were a large hole in the center of this space where I cannot seem to find anything that fits. The shape of the hole is indistinguishable. I am unable to fill it with any object. This hole never moves and yet it flows inside and out, within and without of itself. Like a hole it is dark, blackened. But unlike most holes, this one has no bottom, it has no end. It is the opposite of space, rather; it is the absence of space. It's only consistency is a constant and biting emptiness that tugs at my heart with every glimpse I steal. Every moment that passes, every image imprinted upon my mind, that same emptiness grows within me. The buzzing refrigerator and an endless cycle of tunes are all that keep me company. A pencil and a notebook together allow me to reflect the emptiness I feel. Draining it from my heart and out through my fingertips onto sheets of paper that lay crumbled, torn and folded on the floor. Unfortunately for me, that shallow form of self expression does little against this burden I feel growing within. Perhaps that hole is not a hole at all. Perhaps it is an open window, like the one in the box, but to what is it open? Could the window of the hole lead to another place? A place like this one, heavy in atmosphere, moody, brooding and colorful. A space like this one, glowing and flowing red light, with blue and purple neon bright ribbons that drift casually and aimlessly through the air. Maybe it is an entire world of space that runs on eternally into the distance, a place where the horizon goes on forever. A space where wonderful rhythms and beautiful melodies collide with one another among the starlit sky in bursts of bright colors. A place where to which I would never be a stranger, where daydreams and slumbers are one in the same. A place like that I could call home. Certainly more than the one I am in. Maybe that hole is not empty at all. I could be projecting the emptiness I feel and always have felt in my heart into something so mysterious to me. My fear of the perilous possibilities of the unknown could be preventing me from finding a true sense of belonging and purpose, a place to finally call my own. I could walk into that black hole in the center of the room, the swirling emptiness, the open window to another world. I could dive into that black hole and float spiraling away from all that I fear. I could step into that which I fear with an open heart and know that I would be entering a place where I would never feel alone again. I would lose all sense of emptiness, unhappiness and loneliness with all their definitions. This is how I would leave this world I thought I knew but never felt a part of, to a world I have always known and will forever be a part of. This is how I would disappear completely.