I will give you all the time you need, as long as you'll be mine.

I sat cross legged on my bed, the sheets bunched up under me. The pen in my hand scratching subtly against the white paper. I chewed on my bottom lip, a sign of concentration. In the back of my mind, however, I had been waiting for her call. Occasionally looking at my phone despite the fact that it wouldn't make her call me any sooner. I had to temper my excitement. It feels so good to be in this again. To have someone who love to be with me, who looks in my eyes while she holding her hands in mine. The warmth of her lips as we kissed, her hips between my hands, her knee's wrapped within my legs. I haven't felt this whole in years, I haven't felt this wanted in even longer.
My mind wandered through all the feelings she made me feel. As these thoughts passed I found myself subconsciously anchoring my thoughts and feelings with the fact that we are not a couple. She has been hurt so many times before by men who had absolutely no respect for themselves and even less respect for her and for the well being of her two children. "After everything I've been through and my children have been through, I find myself guarded, my heart shielded." She described over the phone in one late night phone call. "But I feel like... like you've been letting me in." I replied, then; "I don't think I'd feel the way I feel about you if you hadn't" I finished saying. A silence.. "You're right. I have.. That's the part that I don't understand... the way I feel when I'm with you. So comfortable... I find myself letting my guard down with you." She confessed. When she said that, I felt that ball of light that had been birthed the first time we locked eyes, slowly growing with a colorful vibrancy.

 She is so worth the patience. She is so beautiful. Her lips, that smile so perfect with her two top front teeth leaning into one another. Her green eyes that are so full of life. Her laugh that just melts my heart. Her body, her skin, her silky smooth legs. Her back when I'm massaging her knots away. He nicely shaped ass. The way her skin presses together when I'm pushing hard at the small of her back and I can see each little pore and small blonde hairs. Her skin that looks like she is permanently tanned. The clothes she wears, the colorful skater shoes. The way she walks with her feet slightly turned in toward themselves. The way she has a never ending supply of Blue E-Cigarettes, the way she holds them at one end and bites down on the other. The way she smells, the quick breaths and quiet moans of relief and pleasure she feels when I hit that one knot in her back. The way our bodies fit together, not quite perfect but very close. The taste of her mouth, her small breasts with perfectly shaped brown nipples. Her pink panties, her pussy getting wet behind the fabric. The warmth from within it. Her landing strip of pubic hair. Her pussy is the most beautiful I have ever seen. It's small and the lips are perfectly shaped. Just the right color and anatomy. I have honestly never seen a more beautiful pussy. How wet she got when my mouth opened up and I squeezed her tiny clit between my teeth and lips and how I lapped at it fiercely with the tip of my tongue. How tight her pussy was when I stuck one finger in. I couldn't believe how tight she was. If that's how it felt with just my middle finger, I yearn to know how it feels to put myself all the way deep in side. How she loved when I massaged her G spot. She was already getting wet so quickly but once I hooked my finger upwards with the 'Come Hither' motion, oh how she began to drip. Her juice was tangy sweet with a hint of salt. There was very little smell and what I could smell seemed to fit her well and turned my on even more. How she cried out when she reached an orgasm and the way her fingers were digging through my hair and how she pulled me up to her to clean my mouth with hers.
My mind wandered a little too far and I found myself getting hard and feeling frustrated about it. I forced myself to break the chain of thoughts by remembering another part of that conversation we had that same late night over the phone. It was after she had explained that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, that it was just too soon. "I don't want you to meet another girl, but... " The way she ended her point led me to believe she was trying to say "...but I have no control over that and have no right to tell you that you can't." I told her I understood. I then explained; "I understand what you're saying. But honestly, I've been through hell these last few years. I have no intention of continuing to actively seek out another girl. I'm trying to say, there won't be another." I was trying to be careful what point I was trying to get across. I wanted her to know that as long as we continue to see each other I have no temptation and therefor won't be with anyone else. When she didn't respond by agree with me and saying she felt the same way, I knew what she had really meant before. She doesn't want to see me find another girl, but she can't tell you no. She can't say no because she can't say that she won't be with another man while we're still seeing one another. That would defeat the entire purpose of not being in a serious relationship. What requirements are there for a serious relationship other than the mutual decision to be exclusive to one another. When I realized that despite the fact that I am choosing to be exclusive, apparently she is not. So I finally brought out the heavy iron. I told her "I don't want to see you with another guy either. But I can't control what you choose to do. Your choices are your own. But I think you should know, that if you do start hanging out with another guy that you like - I'm going to have to back out. I can't go through that again, I will not go through that again. If that happens, then I'm going to do what I have to do to protect myself." I think my point was clear. I've had too many girls in my past who kept me on the shelf. They do what and who they want because they can, completely regardless of your feelings because they don't have to. I've never so openly told a girl essentially; "We're good for each other and it may take time for you to figure that out, and I'll give you that time. But if you find another guy in the process, then I'm fucking gone because obviously you don't deserve my faithfulness." She never did say anything in return when I told her that. Maybe because she didn't know what to say. 

We ended our conversation that night by agreeing to continue doing what we've been doing. That when we're together, we're together. If what we have turns into something more serious then we'll both be ready for it. As long as we don't lose focus of the other aspects of our individual lives and neither one of us fucks up. I already know that she's who I want to be with. I know that I will treat her incredibly well and that she deserves to be treated. I know that she has the same feelings for me. But another part of her, the part that was traumatized by the men from her past seems to battle within her. That part of her keeps her from acting on the feelings she has for me, that's the part I need to be most careful of. I'm ready to give her all the time in the world that she needs. In the mean time, when we're together, it will be just her and I and her children. Maybe then I can be part of a family and find true happiness,