My phone had been left charging on my kitchen table while I had gone out for a smoke. As I returned to my apartment and had just opened my front door and stepped foot inside, the phone was vibrating noisily off the counter top with the all-to-familiar ringtone that I've needed to change for a month now. I rushed through my living room as the door swung shut behind me. My keys still dangling by the chain along my leg opposite my stride. I could see from the upside down screen it was her calling. I smiled, tried to calm the excitement that would show too much in my voice if I wasn't too careful. I grabbed the phone yanking it out of the charger at the same time. I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear. "Heeeya" I said with just the right amount of enthusiasm. Her voice was significantly less enthusiastic. "Hi..." She said barely audibly. I paused immediately. My shoulders slumped slightly. I had never heard her like this before. The pause seemed to go on for too long. I didn't know whether I should speak or to let her. I did. "H-how are you?" I asked. Why was she calling? I thought to myself.
She's normally busy during the evenings. Things had been a little different lately between us... distant. We started off so strong, almost too strong. Our emotions for one another seemed so brightly flaring and we couldn't see enough of one another. But she's the one with more responsibilities. She's also older. So the expression of my emotions seemed to be a little more stronger than hers. But things were still going so well, we had agreed to communicate, not to fuck things up. We agreed that we would take it slow and that it would probably hurt both of us to talk to and see other people. She wasn't ready for a serious relationship and wouldn't be for a while. I told her I understood. I also made it clear that if she ends up hanging out with another guy, that I would have to back out. That I wouldn't be dragged through the mud.
Her reply came a bit delayed. Her voice just as quiet and just as pale of emotion. "I'm..ok." She said coldly, as if she resented being asked a simple question. "Thats..good." I said, the confusion in my voice couldn't be masked. Another pause, the longest one. My heart started beating a bit heavily. I began feeling nervous. Finally after the silence she spoke up with a bit more rhythm and energy to her voice but lacked any sensitivity, only purpose. "Remember our deal? That we would communicate with each other?" My eyes darted left to right and back, I bit dully on my bottom lip. "Yeah.." I said. The tone in my voice now closely resembling hers. "I... " She began but seemed to hesitate. As if she knew to speak would be to hammer the last nail in the coffin. I knew her too well to know she was trying to hide the fact that she was scared. Scared of me? That's how I began to feel. "I've been talking to this guy... a guy I knew before I met you. We've been hanging out. And... " She stopped, her tone trailing along silently as if waiting for me to pick up the beat and finish her sentence. With each word she uttered, I felt not only my heart thudding and throbbing slowly but heavily. A cold feeling of ice water seemed to pour down my arms, down my chest deep into my gut. My stomach clenched against the cold. My lungs tightened up and with each word she uttered, my breath was being held even longer. I feel weak.. I need to sit. I unconsciously pulled the chair out from under my kitchen table. Just in time because my knees unlocked and I caught the very edge of the seat before collapsing on my ass to the floor. I didn't think I could speak. "And what... " I said, the lack of patience shining through between the lines. I heard her take in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. "He spent the night last night... we had sex... " The pitch in her voice seemed to both crack and become higher with each word. I could hear the trembling in her voice as she breathed again. My jaw slacked and my bottom lip began to quiver. My vision become blurry as the wells of my eyes becoming over flooded by tears. They fell from my eyes hard, first my left then my right. They didn't stream down my face, they fell and landed on my sleeve. My throat tightened. My mind began racing.. Trying hard not to imagine her with another man. Trying hard not to imagine what she was feeling or if she thought about me at all before they fucked. My throat ached, I tried so hard to fight back the awful pain I felt deep in my chest. All my energy was going toward not completely breaking down in tears, but my strength was draining out of my body. I tried so hard to hold it in but what made it out was a whimper. I could hear her distantly, she had started crying. She knew I was hurt. She knew she had made a mistake but that it was too late. I knew she wished there was something she could do or say at that exact moment... but it was too late. My eyes hurt, the tears started to pour out, my breathing quivered, my nose began running. I sniffled. Finally I opened my mouth... I struggled to speak and found I had lost my voice. But then "Why did you.. ?" I started to ask but couldn't finish. I heard her whimper. She began talking.. "Baby, I.." "Don't! ...don't call me that.." I interrupted. She stopped speaking, shocked. Then she began talking again. "We just.. " She started. I shook my head suddenly back and forth. "No.. no.. noo.." I repeated, losing any sense of hope. The tears came pouring out. "I.. I have.. to to go..." I said without thinking. I could hear her struggling to say the right thing. But it was too late. " I have to go.." I said behind my tears and tightening throat. "Wait... " I heard her urge in the distance as my hand holding my phone moved away from my ear. Even as I put the phone down, I could hear the panic in her own voice as she called my name out. I hit the end call button and dropped the phone to the floor. I stared straight forward, tears dripping from my face and I completely lost control of myself and began pouring my heart out through my tears and shaking.... To Be Continued.
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