If anyone knew better the fear and pain of losing someone they loved so deeply, it would be Edgar Allen Poe.

A girl I met recently through POF shared this with my on my Facebook profile. The girls name is Sabrina. She's a cute, young, confident and very mature girl who has a way of seeing what it is that makes me tick with such little effort. In the wake of my heartache, she was there to nurse me back to health and is still at my bedside at every moment. She told me that I don't allow my heart to feel, that my fear is and will keep me from experiencing love in all its glory. That apathy and resignation has always been my biggest fear; that I will one day be unable to love out of so much pain, that my heart will become locked away and impossible to reach even by my own hands. The quote she shared is from the tortured mind of poetic genius Edgar Allen Poe. Poe was plagued by the loss of the women he loved in his life the most. Most of them died in his arms, and there was nothing he could do about it. Death found it fit to take away the one thing in his life he desired and longed for the most, a woman to love him unconditionally despite his darkness. Although he was one of the most brooding and pessimistic minds to exist in the world of writing, he had an overwhelming capacity for true and unbridled love. That ability proved to be both a blessing and a curse. Because he lived through each loss, with the aid of mistress alcohol, I have a tremendous amount of respect for him. This particular quote, however, allowed me to realize that Poe and I have more in common than I had previously realized. So, without further ado...

Two people walking away from one another, partially in passion, partially in regret.

I saw a Rorschach design today. A celebration for the 129th birthday of the man who created the Rorschach test. It has always been a fascinating concept. The idea is that based on what it is that you see in the symmetrical inkblot is your subconsciousness' way of expressing what is going on in your mind. Maybe it represents whats been on your mind, what motivates you, what is causing your sadness or what is causing your life to change. Regardless, the concept is very fascinating. It always reminds me of the comic Watchmen. Not just because of my favorite character Rorschach but because of the scene where he's being analysed by a psychiatrist who shows him inkblot after inkblot and every Rorschach image he sees is a reminder of an awful, violent and traumatizing experience he had as a child. Yet when he says what it is that he sees, instead of admitting to the psychiatrist that one inkblot reminded him of a dogs head he had split open with a cleaver, he tells him it looks like a butterfly. That scene was so awesome. In fact, now that I'm thinking about the film, I need to watch it tonight.
Anyway, the purpose behind bringing this up is the fact that when I saw the Rorschach design, I saw two people walking away from one another, their faces pointed down. Partially out of passion, partially out of regret. Earlier today, I woke up at 4pm which is the latest I've slept in in a very long time. I missed class because I needed the sleep so bad. I woke up feeling overwhelmingly depressed. After my experience with Summer last friday, which ruined my entire weekend and most of last week, I had been feeling much better the last few days and found myself actively talking to more girls. We talked things out on Monday night after texting me saying that she was sorry, that she hopes I can forgive her, that she misses me and Canon misses me and bullshit bullshit, we were going to stay friends. The next day in class things were just awkward. She seemed different. I felt different. We hung out for a bit after class, she was distant. I found our conversation very thin. We sat and talked, I told her that I wanted things to be back the way they were and she smiled. But when she went to go to class, it was different. I realized that night things would never be the way they were. It hurt me because something had changed. I still don't know what happened. I think she held me on a pedestal and if I showed any sign of not being the right person, she was done. That isn't fair. No one is that perfect. The funny thing is, I was ready to settle down with her. I think deep down she knew, but she wasn't ready and her actions as a result of it were just to drive us further away from anything serious. That was her decision. So when I woke up today I think it had finally hit me that it was over. She had told me on Monday that she wanted to bring Canon over but then after that it just seemed she couldn't make time. Obviously she wasn't that concerned about us seeing eachother. Probably because she would have seen the immediate connection Canon and I would have when we realized we almost never saw eachother again. I was depressed today because it finally hit me that there is no future between us. She had made sure of that. I can't wait for her to change her mind. She was right when she said that it seemed as though everything was against us. In the end, we were against eachother. Its tragic. I said something sarcastic tonight because she was acting like she cared when in reality I dont even know why she bothered. She responded like I was the biggest asshole in the world and that she wanted her DVD's back which obviously means she's never planning on watching them with me and could give two shits if I'm ever interested in Kung Fu. I would have been. She had fascinating interests that she turned me onto. There would be movies we had to show one another. That will never happen now.
It saddens me because I know in one path our lives could have gone in, we would have had a beautiful relationship together. I would have watched her kids grow up and seen what her son looks like as a man. I would have loved her for the rest of my life, she would have always been beautiful to me until the day we died. We would have learned to live our lives together and we both would have been happy. It would have been a lot of work, but we could have made it work. That will never happen now. I would like it to, but I learned a long time ago not to hold out on a woman to make the decision she wants to be with you. One day she may realize that I really was ready. Maybe she wont. Maybe I wasn't. I think I was. Maybe she will never allow herself to think that I was. I don't know. Does it even matter?
Point is, apparently Rorschach had a point. Because I didn't realize until after I wrote down my response to the design that it reflected something that has burdened my mind relentlessly lately. I feel the worst has lifted. I will always care for her and her children. I won't ever forget Summer. I hope she won't forget me.

Summer comes and Summer goes, but if only Summer knew what it is I know. / You will be the final place to lay my head and rest my chemistry, but where are you?

So it happened. Just as I thought it would. The scary part is that I knew it, I could feel it. I felt us tearing away from one another probably at the moment she was being drawn in by another man. I felt wrong leaving but I didn't have a choice. I would have done anything to stay at the show and to see Infected Mushroom play and to dance with Summer but I had to be home because of my curfew. But I felt it.. I took extra meds that night to curb the pain. I felt the tears rolling behind my eyes and they just barely teased the surface as with every other time I need to cry but cannot. I few came out, but more because I was pressing my eyelids together.
That connection we both felt, that force that drew us together must have been real for me to feel it be severed. The hurt was profound. It was like a familiar shadow that I've learned to fear and yet respect at the same time. One that I dread to cross paths with again, yet there it was that night. Looming over me like a black cloud, confusing my mind, hurting my heart, making me want to hurt myself just to feel the pain like a normal person. I grabbed my knife and tried to cut - something I haven't done in years. I spend hours sharpening that knife and could not draw blood. That's not the first time that has happened.
The only way I was able to break my mind was to sit infront of my computer and write in my journal as I am now, working through my thoughts in my mind until I was no longer conscious enough to write another sentence.
I feel like Im contradicting myself by saying this, but she was different than the others. But isn't that what everyone says after their hearts have been broken, only to welsh on their own proclamation when the mourning and sadness is over and replaced by anger and resentment? This is the only time in my life I have felt drawn to someone on that level. It seemed so right when we were together. I felt it and she felt it. Perhaps I felt it stronger. Perhaps she felt it as strong but feared for her own safety and as a result wouldn't allow herself to accept it. She's been hurt so many time by men she thought were the right ones for her, left alone to raise her children alone. Until she gets swept off her feet again in the same manner, by the same personality in the same setting. They're passionate, thrilling, enthralling.. at first. That passion to experience and love is replaced with a hatred and resentment, a harmful mentality that only breeds chaos and pain. She doesn't realize it, or rather - she realizes it but can't seem to help herself.
She was supposed to come over tonight, but I knew deep down that it wasn't going to happen. Hell, I knew even before the show that it would not go well. Somehow I knew, and I even told her this, that it would put her in the position where she would have to decide where she wanted to go with her life. It happened, and she made her choice. It scares me that I knew. This is not the first time I knew something before its confirmed. Its a gift, or its a curse. Perhaps its not even intuition but purely my own fear that roils around my brain like a poison, toxic to my thoughts and to my heart. I project the worst case scenario and as a result, it comes true. I pray that it is not the latter. The former I can live with, but the latter... the latter I cannot. If I have the intuition of the first then I may be able to learn how to utilize it to prevent myself from further heartbreak. If it's the latter, then my life will be cursed forever, never to find love because of my own fear of abandonment and absolute loneliness.
I don't blame her, and I told her this. And I don't. She, as we all are, is the product of her childhood. She didn't have a normal childhood, her mother was all fire and brimstone who never allowed Summer to live in the moment, to always prepare for the end. She had a revolving door of fathers. She had 3 fathers, as she puts it. The first, her biological father abandoned her. The second, her last name sake, was the first to truly be a father but his and her mothers marriage didn't last. The third would be who her mother is with now. Girls who experience the control of a parent tend to go all out in rebellion when they're old enough to fly the coop but struggle to become mature out of fear that they will miss something fun and exciting. A girl who never had a steady, stable father is destined to never find the one man who will treat her right. Instead she has her own revolving door of men. These men, instead of taking her hand and share themselves wholly -evenly and open-heartedly who will be faithful to them for as long as life allows it, take the place of the temporary father. The one who is there and when he's there, she adores him, but comes and goes as he pleases and eventually completely abandons her. Its all tragic. She deserves more than that because, despite all her faults, she cares and wants love and stability more than anything else in her life but is incapable of comprehending it when it is right infront of her either because she has never truly been treated the right way or that she feels deep down inside responsible for her fathers leaving her and therefor doesn't feel she deserves to have the stable person in her life.
Why do I care so much about a girl I just met a few weeks ago? Why am I so understanding of her faults and would forgive them in a second if she would only permit me to care for her and permit herself to be cared for? Because I have a strong connection with her. Perhaps it's fleeting. Maybe it's all chemicals in my mind that I'm confusing for purpose. That would make it easier on me. But deep down I pray that the purpose is because we belong together.
We were getting so close. We shared so much with each other in such a short period of time that it was overwhelming but I knew if we were patient we could work our way through. We talked on the Sunday night after spending basically the entire weekend with her. We talked on the phone for hours. I told her how I felt, she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship because she had recently had a bad experience. She said she replaced her love with a shield to protect her and her babies. I told her I felt like she had been letting me in whether she realized it or not and that I wouldn't feel so strongly for her if she hadn't. She agreed. We discussed our concerns for our future together and found appropriate temporary solutions to them. She told me she was afraid her drinking would be a threat to me. She made it clear to me that she would never have another child so not to expect her to have one. I told her I understood. Why would she have brought that up if she didn't see a future? I refuse to accept that she didn't almost hope we had one together. The way she was with me. How she kissed me. How our bodies complimented eachother. How every touch I made to her body was the right touch, in the right place that made her feel the most she could. But tonight, she sang a completely different tune as if we had never had that discussion, as if there were never any feelings involved. I couldn't believe how easily she had neglected all those things. She told me tonight that she need someone at her level. Someone closer to her age. Someone she could settle down with. She even told me that she thinks she's too tall. It was all bullshit I didn't believe for a second.
I told her I think she doesn't know what she wants. She was looking for reasons why it wouldn't work between us. They were all things she was so ready to forget about any of that before. I think it was her way of convincing herself and in turn me that it wasn't meant to be. The only thing she said that I could agree with was that it just felt like we had so many things going against us.

What I said that I think put her off was this;
"I really care about you. I care about you so much that I honestly hope this is the person you're looking for and that I he makes you honestly happy and treats you right. Because you and your children deserve that, someone to treat you well, someone who is stable. I'm not just saying that, I honestly just want you to be happy."

Im in so much pain right now. I dont know what it is that hurts. I dont know if I'm scared. I don't know if I started loving this girl. I haven't been so close to anyone in so long. It felt so good... so right. To hold her body, to caress her and explore her body. To kiss her, to lay on her, to go down on her. She had such a beautiful pussy.. perhaps the best one I will ever see. It just felt so right.. I don't even know if it was real. I dont know whats real anymore. I want to cry.. I want to cry so bad. So bad. I need to cry but I can't. I feel dull, like a blunt object that can't push its way through a tough surface. I know that if I could cry, the pressure would be lifted. I've felt this way for so long. Like I have my own guard up all the time, and I have since the moment my mother told me my father was dead. It has never left me since. I've cried only a few times and it did feel good. I cried when Katie and I broke up, I cried when Dorrie died, I cried when I couldn't handle my addiction to heroin. But I've never cried over this feeling of absolute loneliness and fear of  abandonment. Im so driven to find love. I feel like the only time I can cry, ever truly cry to the extent that I have never been able to. Cry so hard that I fall asleep. The only way I feel I can do that is if I'm with a girl that I have absolute trust. Someone I know will hold me up when I have let down ever single pillar and slid out all my foundation. A girl who will patiently lead me through the pain more and more until it strikes and I let down my guard, I lay down my shield and armor, I lay down all my sharp knives and spiteful spears and expose that spot I have never exposed to anyone. I think thats the driving force behind my need for love. Its like not just love, its absolute trust. Someone I can trust to enter in my heart and soul and hold me up long enough for me to rest my soul.

Where are you? Why has it taken so long to find you? Do you feel the same needs as I do? Do you think about me? Do you wonder where I am? Do we ever think about each other at the same time? Do you even exist? Or is it just my mind crumbling and clutching and clawing for a hold in this chaotic world. A place to lay my head down and finally rest my chemistry.Will I ever find you? I've held out for you for so long. I keep chasing trails in the night that lead to nothing or lead me over a cliff. But where are you in this night? I sense you, I know you're out there somewhere but I can't call to you. I bet you're beautiful. I bet you have the same deep well of compassion for the people of the world such as I do. I bet you're creative and artistic in some way. I bet you're strong willed and have strong values. I bet you have a big family that you are very close with. I bet you don't even have a child yet because there's only one person you're mean to have a child with. I bet you will be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see how beautiful our child will be. We'll take lots of family videos and we'll celebrate Halloween like nobodies business. Please find me.. I'll be here. I'll be waiting. I'm waiting for you, so come find me. I'll be waiting..

Admission of Guilt

My phone had been left charging on my kitchen table while I had gone out for a smoke. As I returned to my apartment and had just opened my front door and stepped foot inside, the phone was vibrating noisily off the counter top with the all-to-familiar ringtone that I've needed to change for a month now. I rushed through my living room as the door swung shut behind me. My keys still dangling by the chain along my leg opposite my stride. I could see from the upside down screen it was her calling. I smiled, tried to calm the excitement that would show too much in my voice if I wasn't too careful. I grabbed the phone yanking it out of the charger at the same time. I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear. "Heeeya" I said with just the right amount of enthusiasm. Her voice was significantly less enthusiastic. "Hi..." She said barely audibly. I paused immediately. My shoulders slumped slightly. I had never heard her like this before. The pause seemed to go on for too long. I didn't know whether I should speak or to let her. I did. "H-how are you?" I asked. Why was she calling? I thought to myself.

 She's normally busy during the evenings. Things had been a little different lately between us... distant. We started off so strong, almost too strong. Our emotions for one another seemed so brightly flaring and we couldn't see enough of one another. But she's the one with more responsibilities. She's also older. So the expression of my emotions seemed to be a little more stronger than hers. But things were still going so well, we had agreed to communicate, not to fuck things up. We agreed that we would take it slow and that it would probably hurt both of us to talk to and see other people. She wasn't ready for a serious relationship and wouldn't be for a while. I told her I understood. I also made it clear that if she ends up hanging out with another guy, that I would have to back out. That I wouldn't be dragged through the mud.

Her reply came a bit delayed. Her voice just as quiet and just as pale of emotion. "I'm..ok." She said coldly, as if she resented being asked a simple question. "Thats..good." I said, the confusion in my voice couldn't be masked. Another pause, the longest one. My heart started beating a bit heavily. I began feeling nervous. Finally after the silence she spoke up with a bit more rhythm and energy to her voice but lacked any sensitivity, only purpose. "Remember our deal? That we would communicate with each other?" My eyes darted left to right and back, I bit dully on my bottom lip. "Yeah.." I said. The tone in my voice now closely resembling hers. "I... " She began but seemed to hesitate. As if she knew to speak would be to hammer the last nail in the coffin. I knew her too well to know she was trying to hide the fact that she was scared. Scared of me? That's how I began to feel. "I've been talking to this guy... a guy I knew before I met you. We've been hanging out. And... " She stopped, her tone trailing along silently as if waiting for me to pick up the beat and finish her sentence. With each word she uttered, I felt not only my heart thudding and throbbing slowly but heavily. A cold feeling of ice water seemed to pour down my arms, down my chest deep into my gut. My stomach clenched against the cold. My lungs tightened up and with each word she uttered, my breath was being held even longer. I feel weak.. I need to sit. I unconsciously pulled the chair out from under my kitchen table. Just in time because my knees unlocked and I caught the very edge of the seat before collapsing on my ass to the floor. I didn't think I could speak. "And what... " I said, the lack of patience shining through between the lines. I heard her take in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. "He spent the night last night... we had sex... " The pitch in her voice seemed to both crack and become higher with each word. I could hear the trembling in her voice as she breathed again. My jaw slacked and my bottom lip began to quiver. My vision become blurry as the wells of my eyes becoming over flooded by tears. They fell from my eyes hard, first my left then my right. They didn't stream down my face, they fell and landed on my sleeve. My throat tightened. My mind began racing.. Trying hard not to imagine her with another man. Trying hard not to imagine what she was feeling or if she thought about me at all before they fucked. My throat ached, I tried so hard to fight back the awful pain I felt deep in my chest. All my energy was going toward not completely breaking down in tears, but my strength was draining out of my body. I tried so hard to hold it in but what made it out was a whimper. I could hear her distantly, she had started crying. She knew I was hurt. She knew she had made a mistake but that it was too late. I knew she wished there was something she could do or say at that exact moment... but it was too late. My eyes hurt, the tears started to pour out, my breathing quivered, my nose began running. I sniffled. Finally I opened my mouth... I struggled to speak and found I had lost my voice. But then "Why did you.. ?" I started to ask but couldn't finish. I heard her whimper. She began talking..  "Baby, I.." "Don't! ...don't call me that.." I interrupted. She stopped speaking, shocked. Then she began talking again. "We just.. " She started. I shook my head suddenly back and forth. "No.. no.. noo.." I repeated, losing any sense of hope. The tears came pouring out. "I.. I have.. to to go..." I said without thinking. I could hear her struggling to say the right thing. But it was too late. " I have to go.." I said behind my tears and tightening throat. "Wait... " I heard her urge in the distance as my hand holding my phone moved away from my ear. Even as I put the phone down, I could hear the panic in her own voice as she called my name out. I hit the end call button and dropped the phone to the floor. I stared straight forward, tears dripping from my face and I completely lost control of myself and began pouring my heart out through my tears and shaking.... To Be Continued.