So it happened. Just as I thought it would. The scary part is that I knew it, I could feel it. I felt us tearing away from one another probably at the moment she was being drawn in by another man. I felt wrong leaving but I didn't have a choice. I would have done anything to stay at the show and to see Infected Mushroom play and to dance with Summer but I had to be home because of my curfew. But I felt it.. I took extra meds that night to curb the pain. I felt the tears rolling behind my eyes and they just barely teased the surface as with every other time I need to cry but cannot. I few came out, but more because I was pressing my eyelids together.
That connection we both felt, that force that drew us together must have been real for me to feel it be severed. The hurt was profound. It was like a familiar shadow that I've learned to fear and yet respect at the same time. One that I dread to cross paths with again, yet there it was that night. Looming over me like a black cloud, confusing my mind, hurting my heart, making me want to hurt myself just to feel the pain like a normal person. I grabbed my knife and tried to cut - something I haven't done in years. I spend hours sharpening that knife and could not draw blood. That's not the first time that has happened.
The only way I was able to break my mind was to sit infront of my computer and write in my journal as I am now, working through my thoughts in my mind until I was no longer conscious enough to write another sentence.
I feel like Im contradicting myself by saying this, but she was different than the others. But isn't that what everyone says after their hearts have been broken, only to welsh on their own proclamation when the mourning and sadness is over and replaced by anger and resentment? This is the only time in my life I have felt drawn to someone on that level. It seemed so right when we were together. I felt it and she felt it. Perhaps I felt it stronger. Perhaps she felt it as strong but feared for her own safety and as a result wouldn't allow herself to accept it. She's been hurt so many time by men she thought were the right ones for her, left alone to raise her children alone. Until she gets swept off her feet again in the same manner, by the same personality in the same setting. They're passionate, thrilling, enthralling.. at first. That passion to experience and love is replaced with a hatred and resentment, a harmful mentality that only breeds chaos and pain. She doesn't realize it, or rather - she realizes it but can't seem to help herself.
She was supposed to come over tonight, but I knew deep down that it wasn't going to happen. Hell, I knew even before the show that it would not go well. Somehow I knew, and I even told her this, that it would put her in the position where she would have to decide where she wanted to go with her life. It happened, and she made her choice. It scares me that I knew. This is not the first time I knew something before its confirmed. Its a gift, or its a curse. Perhaps its not even intuition but purely my own fear that roils around my brain like a poison, toxic to my thoughts and to my heart. I project the worst case scenario and as a result, it comes true. I pray that it is not the latter. The former I can live with, but the latter... the latter I cannot. If I have the intuition of the first then I may be able to learn how to utilize it to prevent myself from further heartbreak. If it's the latter, then my life will be cursed forever, never to find love because of my own fear of abandonment and absolute loneliness.
I don't blame her, and I told her this. And I don't. She, as we all are, is the product of her childhood. She didn't have a normal childhood, her mother was all fire and brimstone who never allowed Summer to live in the moment, to always prepare for the end. She had a revolving door of fathers. She had 3 fathers, as she puts it. The first, her biological father abandoned her. The second, her last name sake, was the first to truly be a father but his and her mothers marriage didn't last. The third would be who her mother is with now. Girls who experience the control of a parent tend to go all out in rebellion when they're old enough to fly the coop but struggle to become mature out of fear that they will miss something fun and exciting. A girl who never had a steady, stable father is destined to never find the one man who will treat her right. Instead she has her own revolving door of men. These men, instead of taking her hand and share themselves wholly -evenly and open-heartedly who will be faithful to them for as long as life allows it, take the place of the temporary father. The one who is there and when he's there, she adores him, but comes and goes as he pleases and eventually completely abandons her. Its all tragic. She deserves more than that because, despite all her faults, she cares and wants love and stability more than anything else in her life but is incapable of comprehending it when it is right infront of her either because she has never truly been treated the right way or that she feels deep down inside responsible for her fathers leaving her and therefor doesn't feel she deserves to have the stable person in her life.
Why do I care so much about a girl I just met a few weeks ago? Why am I so understanding of her faults and would forgive them in a second if she would only permit me to care for her and permit herself to be cared for? Because I have a strong connection with her. Perhaps it's fleeting. Maybe it's all chemicals in my mind that I'm confusing for purpose. That would make it easier on me. But deep down I pray that the purpose is because we belong together.
We were getting so close. We shared so much with each other in such a short period of time that it was overwhelming but I knew if we were patient we could work our way through. We talked on the Sunday night after spending basically the entire weekend with her. We talked on the phone for hours. I told her how I felt, she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship because she had recently had a bad experience. She said she replaced her love with a shield to protect her and her babies. I told her I felt like she had been letting me in whether she realized it or not and that I wouldn't feel so strongly for her if she hadn't. She agreed. We discussed our concerns for our future together and found appropriate temporary solutions to them. She told me she was afraid her drinking would be a threat to me. She made it clear to me that she would never have another child so not to expect her to have one. I told her I understood. Why would she have brought that up if she didn't see a future? I refuse to accept that she didn't almost hope we had one together. The way she was with me. How she kissed me. How our bodies complimented eachother. How every touch I made to her body was the right touch, in the right place that made her feel the most she could. But tonight, she sang a completely different tune as if we had never had that discussion, as if there were never any feelings involved. I couldn't believe how easily she had neglected all those things. She told me tonight that she need someone at her level. Someone closer to her age. Someone she could settle down with. She even told me that she thinks she's too tall. It was all bullshit I didn't believe for a second.
I told her I think she doesn't know what she wants. She was looking for reasons why it wouldn't work between us. They were all things she was so ready to forget about any of that before. I think it was her way of convincing herself and in turn me that it wasn't meant to be. The only thing she said that I could agree with was that it just felt like we had so many things going against us.
What I said that I think put her off was this;
"I really care about you. I care about you so much that I honestly hope this is the person you're looking for and that I he makes you honestly happy and treats you right. Because you and your children deserve that, someone to treat you well, someone who is stable. I'm not just saying that, I honestly just want you to be happy."
Im in so much pain right now. I dont know what it is that hurts. I dont know if I'm scared. I don't know if I started loving this girl. I haven't been so close to anyone in so long. It felt so good... so right. To hold her body, to caress her and explore her body. To kiss her, to lay on her, to go down on her. She had such a beautiful pussy.. perhaps the best one I will ever see. It just felt so right.. I don't even know if it was real. I dont know whats real anymore. I want to cry.. I want to cry so bad. So bad. I need to cry but I can't. I feel dull, like a blunt object that can't push its way through a tough surface. I know that if I could cry, the pressure would be lifted. I've felt this way for so long. Like I have my own guard up all the time, and I have since the moment my mother told me my father was dead. It has never left me since. I've cried only a few times and it did feel good. I cried when Katie and I broke up, I cried when Dorrie died, I cried when I couldn't handle my addiction to heroin. But I've never cried over this feeling of absolute loneliness and fear of abandonment. Im so driven to find love. I feel like the only time I can cry, ever truly cry to the extent that I have never been able to. Cry so hard that I fall asleep. The only way I feel I can do that is if I'm with a girl that I have absolute trust. Someone I know will hold me up when I have let down ever single pillar and slid out all my foundation. A girl who will patiently lead me through the pain more and more until it strikes and I let down my guard, I lay down my shield and armor, I lay down all my sharp knives and spiteful spears and expose that spot I have never exposed to anyone. I think thats the driving force behind my need for love. Its like not just love, its absolute trust. Someone I can trust to enter in my heart and soul and hold me up long enough for me to rest my soul.
Where are you? Why has it taken so long to find you? Do you feel the same needs as I do? Do you think about me? Do you wonder where I am? Do we ever think about each other at the same time? Do you even exist? Or is it just my mind crumbling and clutching and clawing for a hold in this chaotic world. A place to lay my head down and finally rest my chemistry.Will I ever find you? I've held out for you for so long. I keep chasing trails in the night that lead to nothing or lead me over a cliff. But where are you in this night? I sense you, I know you're out there somewhere but I can't call to you. I bet you're beautiful. I bet you have the same deep well of compassion for the people of the world such as I do. I bet you're creative and artistic in some way. I bet you're strong willed and have strong values. I bet you have a big family that you are very close with. I bet you don't even have a child yet because there's only one person you're mean to have a child with. I bet you will be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see how beautiful our child will be. We'll take lots of family videos and we'll celebrate Halloween like nobodies business. Please find me.. I'll be here. I'll be waiting. I'm waiting for you, so come find me. I'll be waiting..
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