I saw a Rorschach design today. A celebration for the 129th birthday of the man who created the Rorschach test. It has always been a fascinating concept. The idea is that based on what it is that you see in the symmetrical inkblot is your subconsciousness' way of expressing what is going on in your mind. Maybe it represents whats been on your mind, what motivates you, what is causing your sadness or what is causing your life to change. Regardless, the concept is very fascinating. It always reminds me of the comic Watchmen. Not just because of my favorite character Rorschach but because of the scene where he's being analysed by a psychiatrist who shows him inkblot after inkblot and every Rorschach image he sees is a reminder of an awful, violent and traumatizing experience he had as a child. Yet when he says what it is that he sees, instead of admitting to the psychiatrist that one inkblot reminded him of a dogs head he had split open with a cleaver, he tells him it looks like a butterfly. That scene was so awesome. In fact, now that I'm thinking about the film, I need to watch it tonight.
Anyway, the purpose behind bringing this up is the fact that when I saw the Rorschach design, I saw two people walking away from one another, their faces pointed down. Partially out of passion, partially out of regret. Earlier today, I woke up at 4pm which is the latest I've slept in in a very long time. I missed class because I needed the sleep so bad. I woke up feeling overwhelmingly depressed. After my experience with Summer last friday, which ruined my entire weekend and most of last week, I had been feeling much better the last few days and found myself actively talking to more girls. We talked things out on Monday night after texting me saying that she was sorry, that she hopes I can forgive her, that she misses me and Canon misses me and bullshit bullshit, we were going to stay friends. The next day in class things were just awkward. She seemed different. I felt different. We hung out for a bit after class, she was distant. I found our conversation very thin. We sat and talked, I told her that I wanted things to be back the way they were and she smiled. But when she went to go to class, it was different. I realized that night things would never be the way they were. It hurt me because something had changed. I still don't know what happened. I think she held me on a pedestal and if I showed any sign of not being the right person, she was done. That isn't fair. No one is that perfect. The funny thing is, I was ready to settle down with her. I think deep down she knew, but she wasn't ready and her actions as a result of it were just to drive us further away from anything serious. That was her decision. So when I woke up today I think it had finally hit me that it was over. She had told me on Monday that she wanted to bring Canon over but then after that it just seemed she couldn't make time. Obviously she wasn't that concerned about us seeing eachother. Probably because she would have seen the immediate connection Canon and I would have when we realized we almost never saw eachother again. I was depressed today because it finally hit me that there is no future between us. She had made sure of that. I can't wait for her to change her mind. She was right when she said that it seemed as though everything was against us. In the end, we were against eachother. Its tragic. I said something sarcastic tonight because she was acting like she cared when in reality I dont even know why she bothered. She responded like I was the biggest asshole in the world and that she wanted her DVD's back which obviously means she's never planning on watching them with me and could give two shits if I'm ever interested in Kung Fu. I would have been. She had fascinating interests that she turned me onto. There would be movies we had to show one another. That will never happen now.
It saddens me because I know in one path our lives could have gone in, we would have had a beautiful relationship together. I would have watched her kids grow up and seen what her son looks like as a man. I would have loved her for the rest of my life, she would have always been beautiful to me until the day we died. We would have learned to live our lives together and we both would have been happy. It would have been a lot of work, but we could have made it work. That will never happen now. I would like it to, but I learned a long time ago not to hold out on a woman to make the decision she wants to be with you. One day she may realize that I really was ready. Maybe she wont. Maybe I wasn't. I think I was. Maybe she will never allow herself to think that I was. I don't know. Does it even matter?
Point is, apparently Rorschach had a point. Because I didn't realize until after I wrote down my response to the design that it reflected something that has burdened my mind relentlessly lately. I feel the worst has lifted. I will always care for her and her children. I won't ever forget Summer. I hope she won't forget me.
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